On the first, I felt paralyzed by fear. It’s the calm before the storm– that moment you know you’re going to be sad for quite some time but it hasn’t sunk in yet. It’s the moment right before irreparable damage is done. One breath in, one breath out. It’s not going to be that bad, right? It’s just a pinch, kind of like getting an immunization. One breath in, one breath out. The anticipation is the worst part. It’s not going to be that bad.
It hurts like hell.
That’s what it felt like on the second. I thought it might have been the bottle of champagne I quickly downed the moment he left, but after a few glasses of water and several cups of coffee I realized that the pain wasn’t sitting in my head or my stomach, but in the space right behind my heart.
I could not keep my shit together. I was trying to focus on work and coffee and new years and good things but tears kept blurring my vision and memories crowded my mind and I spent more than half of my morning doubled over in a chair, ugly crying, wishing I could take the last two months of feelings back.
That’s the thing, isn’t it? The terrible thing about break ups: I haven’t ever missed the person’s presence as much as I’ve resented the things they leave behind.
Day three: say your truths.
It snowed today, and the morning felt more full and less empty. Snow is magical like that: it brings a white blanket of newness and hope. New Years Day didn’t leave me feeling ready to start over, but I was ready now.
I drank a bunch of coffee and stared out the window and helped some customers and smiled a little. As I was heading home, a stranger energetically asked if I would take his photo in the middle of the street. As soon as he thanked me, another man handed me his phone asking if I would mind doing the same for him. This was my favorite part of the day, because there is something magical about the way that snow can make grown men so excited that they act like children.
but after all of that, and a good nap, the snow started melting and froze over– ice is less magical. I started to feel crummy again and I tried to reach out to friends. But the truth is that some things you just need to handle on your own. People want to sweep your sadness away when in reality the best thing to do is sit with it. I sat surrounded by yellow Starbursts on the floor. A friend texted “how are you?”
“Say your truths.”
my worth isn’t defined by any one but Jesus- and I forgot the others we say when we believe a bunch of lies.
“they don’t feel true.”
the following weeks were a blur. School started and friends are heartbroken and there are more hours for me to work at my dreamjob for free. I begin a 5k program with my best friend and try not to drink too much and at the same time try to not sleep to little. I wish I had written more in January but life keeps moving even when you want it to go slow. Time can seem like such a tease.
This month started with sadness and ended with joy. I’m so thankful for friends who check in on you when you least expect it & most need it. Also for realizing that Bridget Jones is my spirit animal. (Where’s my Colin Firth/ Mr. Darcy?)
I have so many words for January: gratitude. anger. healing. coffee.
I’m glad it came and I’m glad it’s gone. It’s like when you’re almost-but-not-quite to the summit after a long, difficult hike. It’s gorgeous. Breathtaking. & you’re so proud of how far you’ve come– and so fucking tired. You think, “Its worth it to hike the next mile to the top, right?” RIGHT?! Isn’t this enough? Haven’t I healed enough? Forgiven enough? Made enough healthy decisions?
Yes. Enough. Always. But there’s also more, always.
My intention for February: don’t give up on your healing. Don’t stop doing the hard work of fighting your demons– those fears and insecurities and painful memories don’t deserve to stay. You are already whole, and you are also being made whole.
So take a few deep breaths, drink some water. Congratulate yourself. Take a moment to enjoy this present moment, wherever you are. And then keep going.
Grace and peace, friends.
The good news is that the Kingdom, the Kingdom of Love, has come and is coming still.