This last month has been a whirlwind of chaos and emotions for me and a lot of other people I know. It’s been a season of transition, with the remodel at work, moving out of my old place, balancing midterms, applying for a Social Work program, yada yada. I’m not really good at transition seasons. When it comes down to it, I become all of the versions of myself that I really hate. I get weird, and selfish, and anxious, and forget how to love myself and other people well.
I want to be this put together person, you know? Every day, Jesus says “I’m strong when you’re weak” and I ignore it. I go out into the world and try to prove myself again and again- to prove that I’m worthy, that I’m a good friend, a good student, that I’m datable, that I’m a good shift supervisor, and that I would make a good social worker.
Some days I’m okay at it, too, probably more so than I would allow myself to believe. But then there are those days where I really mess up. Not just a little bit, but a lot. Some days I make awful, unhealthy decisions that not only affect me, but the people around me. It’s the stuff I don’t post to social media, or write about in my blog to make everyone like me. & in these moments, shame creeps in and my insecurities find a platform to stand on and testify to my unworthiness.
The last year or so has been an awful uphill battle in a fight for my identity. Well honestly, I think from the minute we’re born there’s a darkness out there that wants us to believe lies about who we are and whose we are. Specifically in the last year or so, though, I’ve felt Jesus’ ever-present call to be His– to be and belong in the Kingdom. To rest. To celebrate. To end the glorification of busy. To stop striving. To stop worrying. To simply dance in the light of thankfulness and grace and creation and new mercies every morning.
I’ve been reminded even more of these things lately. Maybe it has something to do with reading Donald Miller’s new book, Scary Close (which has had me in tears- the good kind- since I picked it up) or listening to Sleeping at Last’s song “You are Enough” (which admittedly also had me in tears). Today my manager and I were both working in the back room and she looked at me and said “Will you write ‘I am imperfect, & I am enough’ on my hand for me?” I laughed out loud because I felt like she was in my head all of the sudden. Long story short, in the end we had a good talk about identity, vulnerability, & how our imperfections don’t affect our intrinsic worth.
Jesus just won’t let it go, this whole thing about my identity being found in Him. So here I am, tired of fighting, exhausted by shame. Here I am, finally ready to stop idolizing all the things I think give me worth. I know I’m not alone in this- and I just want you to hear me: YOU are enough. All stop striving, all start resting.
Happy Wednesday, friends! XOXO