Time passes by too quickly.
And I’m a cry baby.
Today started a new chapter in my life that I’ve been looking forward to for over a year: I packed up and moved to Portland, Oregon.
It is needless to say that this was harder than I imagined. Having to go through my wardrobe five times to decide what was an absolute necessity for the next two months quickly became the least of my worries. The days leading up to this were spent with family and friends: surprise parties, dinners,fantastic wine, and watching Portlandia. As I said goodbye to friends one by one I was upset, yet it still didn’t feel real to me — until I said goodbye to my family.
A few hours ago I realized that I wasn’t just moving back to Oklahoma, which is a quick four hour drive away. When I lived there (for all of 10 months), I came home frequently because I could and because I absolutely adore my family. Most of you know that my siblings are my best friends; memories made with them are some of the best I’ve ever (and probably will ever) have. I was doing SO well not crying a bunch this month, you guys. Really. And then my siblings had to be so awesome and Portland had to be so far away and everything was ruined.
[deleted more sappy stuff here]
The second most difficult aspect of my new adventure is letting go of the “plan” person in me. I feel most comfortable if I know what I’m doing. This is unfortunate because at the moment, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING. I have approximately one billion questions:
Where will I be living at the beginning of October and how expensive is rent going to be? What will my new budget look like? How many hours will I be scheduled at work? Will I have to cut hours at work to focus on school? How will I afford school if I cut back hours? How will I afford ANYTHING if I cut back hours? Will I have to get a second job? Is my cat going to experience PTSD from this plane ride? When will I see my family next? Where do I go to purchase a bicycle? Will I physically be able to bike 5 miles to work everyday?
I know, I know.
Answers will come with time and I’m not going to die or anything. And guess what?! My anxiety attacks aren’t nearly what they used to be. This is good news, friends!
Speaking of good news: Jesus is with me. And with you. It doesn’t matter if you believe it or not, or if I believe it. It’s just the Truth. Capital ‘T’, meaning it never changes. I don’t have to be confident in anything else.
I am exceedingly thankful because I am exceedingly blessed. Sometimes I look at my own rotten heart and wonder how I became deserving of all of this love; I quickly remember I’m not deserving. Whew. Heavy stuff. So thank you all: for long walks and talks, dinners, drinks, dessert, shoulders to cry on, amazing partners to work with, coffee dates, good advice, bad advice with good intentions, spontaneous afternoons, book and music recommendations, and prayers.
Thank you most of all for being Jesus to me. I think the last time I left home that this was the most important lesson I learned: the body of Christ surrounds me. Jesus is physically here because YOU are physically here. I’m thankful that what Jesus talked most about was that the religious leaders weren’t like Him at all and that He would much rather hang out with people who weren’t perfect because they weren’t so full of themselves. I’m thankful for friends who aren’t full of themselves.
Anyway, my heart overflows. Please keep in touch and continue praying because I’m almost certain God can hear you better than He hears me. 😉
I will update this often, especially as answers to my many questions unfold.
So much love. So much hope.